FC Bayern Forum

[kevh26]

what's brown and sticky?

a stick



what's green and square?

an orange in disguise


whats red and invisible?

no tomatoes


what's orange and sounds like a parrot?

a carrot


and finally, the biggest joke of all... the kevin keegan quotes!!!


(1) "England have the best fans in the world and Scotland's fans are second-to-none."

(2) "It's like a toaster, the ref's shirt pocket - every time there's a tackle, up pops a yellow card."

(3) "I don't think there's anyone bigger or smaller than Maradona."

(4) "England can end the millennium as it started - as the greatest football nation in the world."

(5) "You can't do better than go away from home and get a draw."

(6) "He's using his strength and that is his strength, his strength."

(7) "Gary always weighed up his options, especially when he had no choice."

(8) "The tide is very much in our court now."

(9) "Chile have three options - they could win or they could lose."

(10) "I came to Nantes two-years-ago and it's much the same today, except that it's totally different."

(11) "I know what is around the corner - I just don't know where the corner is. But the onus is on us to perform and we must control the bandwagon."

(12) "In some ways, cramp is worse than having a broken leg."

(13) "The 33 or 34-year-olds will be 36 or 37 by the time the next World Cup comes around, if they're not careful."

(14) "It's understandable that people are keeping one eye on the pot and another up the chimney."

(15) "I'd love to be a mole on the wall in the Liverpool dressing room."

[kevh26]

Weird website names...
> Sometimes people designing websites just get carried away and forget
> to go a sanity check before going live with their sites... And oh yes
> - they are real sites.....
>
>
> 1) Who Represents?, a database for agencies to the rich and
> famous:
> http://www.whorepresents.com
>
>
> 2) Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can
> exchange advice and views: http://www.expertsexchange.com
>
>
> 3) Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island:
> http://www.penisland.net
>
>
> 4) Need a therapist? http://www.therapistfinder.com
>
>
> 5) Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales:
> http://www.molestationnursery.com
>
>
> 6) Gas central heating anyone? http://www.gasheating.co.uk
>
>
> 7) New to Milan and you need electric light? Why not sign up
> on-line with Power-Gen? http://www.powergenitalia.com

[kevh26]

and finally, one for the ladies!



How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Internet
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman

How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.

How do you p*ss off a female archaeologist??
Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it comes from.

How is a woman like a condom?
Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.

Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?

Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.

Why did God create woman ?
To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.

Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.


Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.


Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'


How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.


What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told


I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.


Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.


Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.


Women will never be equal to men... until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.


In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

[MaCk0y]

lol funny kevh26

[MaCk0y]

[MaCk0y]

[MaCk0y]

The best part is at 2:28

[kevh26]

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?

Pepper spray will do that to you .

[MaCk0y]

>> >>>Ladies hostel caught fire.. it took 1 hour to bring the fire
under
>> >>>control
>> >>>....... and another 3 hours to bring the firemen under control.

==========================

>> >>>Wife: If I sleep with your best friend what will be the first
>> >>>thought
>> >>>to come in your mind?
>> >>>Husband: that you are a lesbian.

==========================

>> >>>Why did they stop printing Pamela Anderson stamps in the U.S
???
>> >>>Because people started licking the wrong side!

==========================

>> >>>Girl to hungry boyfriend: If my right leg was afternoon meal &
>> >>>my left leg was
>> >>>evening meal what would you prefer?
>> >>>Boyfriend: Eating between meals

==========================

>> >>>Nobody is ever satisfied, Poor men wish they were rich, Rich
men
>> >>>wish they were
>> >>>handsome, Bachelors wish they were married & Married men wish
they
>> >>>were Dead!

==========================

>> >>>How do you teach a girl maths?
>> >>>Add a bed, subtract her clothes, divide her legs, enter your
>> >>>square root,
>> >>>leave your solution and hope she doesn't multiply!

==========================

>> >>>Lady : 'I want a good vibrator'
>> >>>Salesman: 'Ma'am you may select one from our range that is
>> >>>displayed on that
>> >>>wall'
>> >>>Lady : 'O.K. I'll take that red one'
>> >>>Salesman: 'Sorry, that's our fire-extinguisher'

==========================

>> >>>A divorced Couple were contesting for possession of the child..
>> >>>The mother
>> >>>said: 'I gave birth to him - he's mine';
>> >>>The father said: 'I put a coin in the Pepsi machine and a can
>> >>>comes out -
>> >>>the Pepsi belongs to me not to the machine!!'

==========================

>> >>>A girl says to her boyfriend, 'One kiss and I'll be yours
>> >>>forever.' The guy
>> >>>says 'thanks for the warning'

==========================

>> >>>A Husband was asked: 'Do you talk to your wife after sex?'
>> >>>He replied: 'Depends, If I Can find a Phone'

==========================

>> >>>Definition of a Gynecologist:
>> >>>Someone who looks for problems where others look for
pleasure!!!

==========================

>> >>>Man to wife on wedding night: 'Are you sure I'm the first man
you
>> >>>are sleeping
>> >>>with?'
>> >>>Wife: 'Of course honey, I stayed awake with all the others!'

==========================

[kevh26]

A virile, middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.

After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, 'So, you finish?'

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, 'No.'

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, 'You finish?'

Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, 'No.'

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reaches for the woman yet, again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, 'You finish?'

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispers in his ear, 'No, I Norwegian.'


--------------------------------------------------------------


Patient: I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here?
Doctor: You've had an accident involving a bus.

Patient: What happened?

Doctor: Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?

Patient: Give me the bad news first.

Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.

Patient: That's terrible! What's the good news?

Doctor: There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------


Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company’s Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn’t taste like alcohol at all. He didn’t even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:

“Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian”

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.

His son is also at the table, eating.

Jack asks, “Son… what happened last night?”

“Well, you came home after 3 A. M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.

Confused, he asked his son, “So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??”

His son replies, “Oh THAT!… Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, “Leave me alone, I’m married!!”

Broken Coffee Table £239.99

Hot Breakfast £4.20

Two Aspirins £0.18

Saying the right thing, at the right time . .

Priceless!


-----------------------------------------------------------------------


Two couples were playing cards one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Bill's wife's, legs were spread wide, and wasn't wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table & emerged red-faced. Later,John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed & asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?"
Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well, indeed he did. She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you £500." After taking a minute or two to assess the financial situation as well as the moral costs of this offer, John indicates that he is indeed interested. She tells him that since her husband, Bill, works Friday afternoons & John doesn't, that John should be at her house around 2pm Friday afternoon. When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house for the planned time at 2pm sharp & after paying her the agreed upon £500, they went to the bedroom & closed their sexual transaction as Sue had promised. Afterwards, John quickly dressed & left.As usual, Bill came home from work at 6pm & upon entering the house, asks his wife abruptly, "Did John come by the house this afternoon?"With a lump in her throat, Bill's wife answered, "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon."

Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?".In terror, she assumed that somehow he had found out, & after mustering up her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500". Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying,"Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning & borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home & pay me back."

NOW THAT'S A PLAYER! ! ! !


------------------------------------------------------------------------------


hope you all enjoyed!

[MaCk0y]

The last one wast truly priceless!

[MUTU]

The last one wast truly priceless!

indeed

[MaCk0y]

> A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.
> The interviewer asks him, 'Are you allergic to anything?'
> He says 'Yes - just caffeine.'
> 'Have you ever been in the service?'
> 'Yes,' he says. 'I was in Iraq for two years.'
>
> The interviewer says, 'That will give you 5 extra points toward
> employment,' and then asks, 'Are you disabled in any way?'
> The guy says, 'Yes...an IED exploded near me and blew my testicles off.'
>
> The interviewer tells the guy, 'O.K. In that case, I can hire you right
> now. Normal hours are from 8 AM to 4 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00
> - and plan on starting at 10 AM, every day.'
>
> The guy is puzzled and says, 'If the hours are from 8 AM to 4 PM, why
> don't you want me to be here before 10 AM?
>
> 'This is a government job,' the interviewer says, 'For the first two hours
> we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point
> in your coming in for that.

[MaCk0y]

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into
a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the
girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and
goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

'Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably
spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how
he kissed your neck.' If he wants , don't resist, don't complain, do
whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.
This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be
strong, honey. I love you.'

To which his wife responds: 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was
whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and
asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be
strong honey. I love you too!!'

[MaCk0y]

Question - What is the Difference between a Mother & a Wife?
Answer - One woman brings you into this world crying... and the other ensures you continue to do so.


Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Husband: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Husband: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"


Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.


Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: Thanks for the warning. Ha Ha Ha


A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me my pretty face or my sexy body?"
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humour.