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beer humor-Top Ten Signs You Have Purchased a Bad Beer

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beer humor-Top Ten Signs You Have Purchased a Bad Beer

Postby gastarana » Wed Dec 29, 2010 10:31 am

10. TV Ads Begin "From the sparkling waters of Lake Erie. . ."

9. The second you take a sip, your liver explodes

8. For some reason, it's sold in the detergent aisle

7. It was actually brewed by Penny Marshall and Cindy Williams

6. Instead of a wagon pulled by Clydesdales, beer company has a wheelbarrow pushed by a doped-up monkey

5. The company isn't running any sort of sweepstakes, but the underside of the bottle caps all say "Sorry"

4. Tastes more like a mountain goat than a mountain stream

3. Picture on label is of a guy throwing up

2. Your girlfriend announces she's leaving you for Billy Dee Williams

1. When you crack a couple open on a fishing trip and say, "It doesn't get any better than this," your buddies kill themselves
Last edited by gastarana on Wed Dec 29, 2010 10:55 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Signs That You Are Too Drunk

Postby gastarana » Wed Dec 29, 2010 10:37 am

1.You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

2. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

3. Job interfering with your drinking.

4. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

5. Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.

6. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

7. Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.

8. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence???

9. Two hands and just one mouth - now THAT's a drinking problem!

10. You can focus better with one eye closed.

11. The parking lot seems to have moved when you were in the bar.

12. Every woman you see has an exact twin.

13. You fall off the floor...

14. Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.

15. "Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!"

16. The glass keeps missing your mouth.

17. Bill Clinton starts to make sense.

18. Vampires and mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.

19. At AA meetings you begin with: "Hi, my name is... uh..."

20. Your idea of cutting back means less salt.

21. You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed.

22. The whole bar says "HI!" when you come in.

23. Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.

24. "Hi ocifer. I'm not under the affluence of incohol."

25. "I'm not drunk, you're just sober"

26. Roseanne looks good.

27. You don't recognize your wife unless seen through the bottom of a glass.

28. "That damned pink elephant followed me home again."

29. You have a reserved parking space at the liquor store.

30. "I'm as jober as a sudge."

31. You wake up in Korea in August and the last thing you remember is the Fourth of July party at the Halekulani in Waikiki.

32. You've fallen and you can't get up.

33. When hangovers become an attractive alternative lifestyle.

34. "Beertender! Get me another bar!"

35. The shrubbery's drunk too, from frequent watering.

36. Your name is Ted Kennedy.

37. Foster Brooks appears sober to you.
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things That Are Difficult to Say When Drunk

Postby gastarana » Wed Dec 29, 2010 10:39 am

Things That Are Difficult to Say When Drunk:

Cinnamon

Indubitably

Innovative

Preliminary

Proliferation



Things That Are Very Difficult to Say When Drunk:

British Constitution

Loquacious

Transubstantiate

Passive-aggressive disorder

Specificity



Things That Are Downright IMPOSSIBLE to Say When Drunk:

Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.

Nope, no more booze for me.

Sorry, but you're not really my type.

Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?

Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.

You're right; I can't jump over that table
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Reasons Why Beer is Better Than Religion

Postby gastarana » Wed Dec 29, 2010 10:44 am

10. No one will kill you for not drinking Beer.

9. Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex.

8. Beer has never caused a major war.

7. They don't force Beer on minors who can't think for themselves.

6. When you have a Beer, you don't knock on people's doors trying to give it away.

5. Nobody's ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured over his brand of Beer.

4. You don't have to wait 2000+ years for a second Beer.

3. There are laws saying Beer labels can't lie to you.

2. You can prove you have a Beer.

1. If you've devoted your life to Beer, there are groups to help you stop.
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Chick Drinks

Postby gastarana » Wed Dec 29, 2010 10:48 am

Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.

The results:

DRINK: Beer
PERSONALITY: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
YOUR APPROACH: Challenge her to a game of pool.

DRINK: Blender Drinks
PERSONALITY: Flaky, annoying; a pain in the ass.
YOUR APPROACH: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.

DRINK: Mixed Drinks
PERSONALITY: Older, has picky taste; knows what she wants.
YOUR APPROACH: You won't have to approach her. She'll send YOU a drink.

DRINK: Wine - (does not include white zinfandel, see below)
PERSONALITY: Conservative and classy,
sophisticated.
YOUR APPROACH: Tell her you wish Reagan had had four more years...Alzheimer's and term limits be damned.

DRINK: White Zin
PERSONALITY: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually has no clue.
YOUR APPROACH: Make her feel smarter than she is...

DRINK: Shots
PERSONALITY: Hanging with frat-boy pals or looking to get drunk...and naked.
YOUR APPROACH: Easiest hit in the joint. Nothing to do but wait.
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Bar Room Translations

Postby gastarana » Wed Dec 29, 2010 10:53 am

1. "Excuse Me." (male to male) -- "Get the hell out of the way."

2. "Excuse Me." (male to female) -- "I am going to grope you now."

3. "Excuse Me." (female to male) -- "Don't even think about groping me, just get the hell out of the way."

4. "Excuse Me." (female to female) -- "Move your fat ass. Who do you think you are anyway? You are not all that, missy, and don't think for one minute that you are. And get your eyes off of my man, or I'll slap you like the slut you are."

5. "What do you have on tap?" -- "What's cheap?"

6. "Can I get a glass of white zinfandel." (female) -- "I'm easy."

7. "Can I get a glass of white zinfandel." (male) -- "I'm gay."

8. "Can I have a white Russian?" (female) -- "I'm *really* easy."

9. "Can I have a white Russian?" (male) -- "I'm *really* gay."

10. "That person looks really familiar." -- "Did I sleep with him/her?"

11. "Can I just get a glass of water?" (female) -- "I'm annoying, but cute enough to get away with this."

12. "I don't have my ID on me." (female) -- "I'm 16."

13. "I don't have my ID on me." (male) -- "I don't have a license since I got pulled over and blew a 0.4 after my last visit here"

14. "You get this round and the next round is on me." -- "I'll be leaving before the next round."

15. "I'll get this round and the next one is on you." -- "Happy hour is about to end. Beers are now a dollar, but by the next round they'll be $3.50."

16. "Hey, where is that friend of yours?" -- "I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position."

17. "Ever try a body shot?" (male to female) -- "I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you."

18. "Ever try a body shot?" (female to male) -- "If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I'll do to you on the ride home?"

19. "I don't feel well, let's go home." (female) -- "You are paying more attention to your friends than me."

20. "I don't feel well, let's go home." (male) -- "I'm horny."

21. "Who's got the next round?" -- "I haven't bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention."
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Re: beer humor-Top Ten Signs You Have Purchased a Bad Beer

Postby Psychaz » Wed Dec 29, 2010 11:03 am

haha awesome, especially these:
Things That Are Downright IMPOSSIBLE to Say When Drunk:

Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.

Nope, no more booze for me.

Sorry, but you're not really my type.

Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?

Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.

You're right; I can't jump over that table
Proud to be Haitian
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Re: beer humor-Top Ten Signs You Have Purchased a Bad Beer

Postby FCBayernMunchen » Wed Dec 29, 2010 11:18 am

Nice :lol:
Super Bayern! Super Bayern! Hey! Hey!
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Re: beer humor-Top Ten Signs You Have Purchased a Bad Beer

Postby Element » Wed Dec 29, 2010 2:42 pm

Some of them are just HILARIOUS
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Re: beer humor-Top Ten Signs You Have Purchased a Bad Beer

Postby rigoberto » Mon Jul 25, 2011 8:00 pm

only one way for sure you can know someone purchased the beer you were in germany that is enough
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Re: beer humor-Top Ten Signs You Have Purchased a Bad Beer

Postby BillGates » Wed Jun 13, 2012 12:20 pm

Haha. I agree. But this is just for certain situations. How can really say that you purchase a bad beer?
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beer humor-Top Ten Signs You Have Purchased a Bad Beer

Postby BayernLove » Wed Jun 13, 2012 2:45 pm

Shut up Bill Gates you probably don't even like beer!
Jesus saves, but Kahn does it better ;)
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Re: beer humor-Top Ten Signs You Have Purchased a Bad Beer

Postby lau03143 » Mon Jan 07, 2013 8:38 pm

Do I want a beer?

(a) Yes
(b) a
(c) b
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and left as good friends.
Zum Wohl!
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Re: beer humor-Top Ten Signs You Have Purchased a Bad Beer

Postby nur4bayern » Tue Jan 08, 2013 5:24 am

Beer, helping ugly people have sex since 1862.
“Football is a simple game; 22 men chase a ball for 90 minutes and at the end, the Germans win.”
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