Funny Stuff

mackoy

Any funny stuff put it in this topic! Very Happy

I'll start with a joke (one of my fav).

The mafia soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends some of their hoods after the deaf collector. The hoods find the collector and ask him where the money is. The guy can't communicate with them, so the mafia drags him to an interpreter.

The mafia hood says to the interpreter, "Ask him where da money is." The interpreter signs, "Where's the money?"

The deaf replies, "I don't know what you're talking about." The interpreter tells the hood, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The hood pulls out a .38 gun and places it in the ear of the deaf collector. "NOW ask him where da money is." The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?"

The deaf man replies, "The $50,000 is in Central Park, hidden in the third tree stump on the left from the West 78th Street gate."

The interpreter says to the hood, "He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about, and doesn't think you have the balls to pull the trigger."

mackoy

There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head. The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter.

The boy walked into the back room and said, "There's some jerk out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce." As he was finishing saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman wants to buy the other half."

The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager called on the boy and said, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?"

The boy replied, "Canada sir."

"Oh really? Why did you leave Canada?" asked the manager. The boy replied, "They're all just whores and hockey players up there."

"Really," replied the manager, "My wife is from Canada!"

The boy replied, "No kidding! What team did she play for?

kevh26

what's brown and sticky?

a stick

what's green and square?

an orange in disguise

whats red and invisible?

no tomatoes

what's orange and sounds like a parrot?

a carrot

and finally, the biggest joke of all... the kevin keegan quotes!!!

(1) "England have the best fans in the world and Scotland's fans are second-to-none."

(2) "It's like a toaster, the ref's shirt pocket - every time there's a tackle, up pops a yellow card."

(3) "I don't think there's anyone bigger or smaller than Maradona."

(4) "England can end the millennium as it started - as the greatest football nation in the world."

(5) "You can't do better than go away from home and get a draw."

(6) "He's using his strength and that is his strength, his strength."

(7) "Gary always weighed up his options, especially when he had no choice."

( Cool

"The tide is very much in our court now."

(9) "Chile have three options - they could win or they could lose."

(10) "I came to Nantes two-years-ago and it's much the same today, except that it's totally different."

(11) "I know what is around the corner - I just don't know where the corner is. But the onus is on us to perform and we must control the bandwagon."

(12) "In some ways, cramp is worse than having a broken leg."

(13) "The 33 or 34-year-olds will be 36 or 37 by the time the next World Cup comes around, if they're not careful."

(14) "It's understandable that people are keeping one eye on the pot and another up the chimney."

(15) "I'd love to be a mole on the wall in the Liverpool dressing room."

kevh26

Weird website names...
> Sometimes people designing websites just get carried away and forget
> to go a sanity check before going live with their sites... And oh yes
> - they are real sites.....
>
>
> 1) Who Represents?, a database for agencies to the rich and
> famous:
> http://www.whorepresents.com
>
>
> 2) Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can
> exchange advice and views: http://www.expertsexchange.com
>
>
> 3) Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island:
> http://www.penisland.net
>
>
> 4) Need a therapist? http://www.therapistfinder.com
>
>
> 5) Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales:
> http://www.molestationnursery.com
>
>
> 6) Gas central heating anyone? http://www.gasheating.co.uk
>
>
> 7) New to Milan and you need electric light? Why not sign up
> on-line with Power-Gen? http://www.powergenitalia.com

kevh26

and finally, one for the ladies!

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Internet
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman

How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.

How do you p*ss off a female archaeologist??
Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it comes from.

How is a woman like a condom?
Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.

Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?

Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.

Why did God create woman ?
To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.

Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told

I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Women will never be equal to men... until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

mackoy

lol

funny kevh26

mackoy

Link

mackoy

Link

mackoy

Link

The best part is at 2:28 Exclamation

kevh26

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?

Pepper spray will do that to you .