Funny Stuff

mackoy

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into
a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the
girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and
goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

'Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably
spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how
he kissed your neck.' If he wants , don't resist, don't complain, do
whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.
This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be
strong, honey. I love you.'

To which his wife responds: 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was
whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and
asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be
strong honey. I love you too!!'

mackoy

Question - What is the Difference between a Mother & a Wife?
Answer - One woman brings you into this world crying... and the other ensures you continue to do so.

Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Husband: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Husband: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"

Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.

Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: Thanks for the warning. Ha Ha Ha

A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me my pretty face or my sexy body?"
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humour.

mackoy

Loyal Wife

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real misery when it came to his money.
Just before he died, he said to his wife,
'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.'
And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died.

He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.
When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said,
'Wait just a minute!'
She had a box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket.
Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.
Her friend said,
'I hope you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband..'
The loyal wife replied,
'Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.'
'You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?'
'I sure did' said the wife.
'I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a cheque. If he can cash it, he can spend it.'

mackoy

A little boy goes to his father and asks,

'Daddy, how was I born?'

The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!

Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo!

Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.

We sneaked into a secluded room,

where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.

As soon as I was ready to upload,

we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall,

and since it was too late to hit the delete button,

nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:

'You've got Male!'

FCBinNYC · I'm a chatterbox! Joined: 05 Feb 2007 Posts: 331 votes: 4

Haha do you come up with all these yourself?

mackoy

No, no, I receive them by e-mail. Very Happy

mackoy

A woman went to a pet shop &immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot..

There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

'Why so little,' she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said,

! 'Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.'

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird any way.

She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,

'New house, new madam.'

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought 'that's really not so bad.'

When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw and said,

'New house, new madam, new girls.'

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said,

'Hi, Keith!'

mackoy